Whether we realise it or not, our feelings and emotions are at the core of how we live our lives.
They influence every single decision we make. Yet somehow, they’re the only thing we aren’t taught about in school – meaning that most of us have no idea how to deal with them, as and when they arise.
In fairness, part of the reason we don’t learn about emotions is because they’re so complex and mysterious. They’re just not that easy to teach.
But, despite their mystery, when it comes to managing day-to-day emotions, there are a couple of points worth considering.
Firstly, emotions aren’t just thoughts. They’re the physical feelings, sensations and tensions in the body, which come with the thoughts.
Secondly, emotions often make us go to do or say things we’d rather not, or which don’t make rational sense. Like, for example, punch someone in the face, or send an instantly regrettable text to an ex.
If we attempt to suppress those emotions or urges, or pretend they aren’t there, they’ll stick around, create tension and/or look for another way out. Like, for example, in some weird, indirect act of passive aggression; or a wild outburst of rage, triggered by something minor and unrelated, like a dodgy internet connection.
With this in mind, rather than take it out on ourselves, our loved ones, social media comments or customer service reps - the world might be a nicer place if we all learned to let our emotions out in a healthier way.
But everybody’s different - so it might be worth us all taking a moment to think about what might work for us, individually, test it out and see how it feels.
To spark some ideas, here are 7 ways to let out emotions:
Talk about it: Hearing ourselves say, out loud, the words to describe the feelings, can help to make sense of them and let go of whichever tension they may have created. Doing so can settle down the amygdala, the primal part of our brain which responds to threat with instinctive reaction; not to mention, it always helps to share the load with someone else.
Talk around what it is that made you feel that way and, if possible, come up with sensible ideas for resolving or finding peace with them.
Write it down: The emotions are attached to thoughts whirring around in our heads, which may or may not be based in fact – but to which we rarely take the time to properly listen, let alone critique.
Journaling has been shown to help with anxiety, stress and depression - partly because writing requires a different part of our brain, allows us to see our thoughts objectively and helps us to deal with them, one-by-one.
Breathe: The physical reactions which come with certain emotions might include changes to the nervous system, heart rate, blood pressure or breathing. Breathing is special, because it’s the one we’re able to regulate - which, in turn, can affect the rest.
Slowing our breath can slow down the whole process and let us choose how to release the emotion – instead of having the emotion choose for us.
Cry: Cultural and societal expectations can cause all kinds of confusion for our emotions. In some cultures crying is encouraged, while in others frowned upon, or made OK for some, but not for others (eg men).
Crying has been shown to literally release stress hormones, allowing the nervous system to relax. It’s a cathartic exercise - and sometimes it’s just good to let it out.
Get physical: There’s good reason why certain forms of therapy require punching a punchbag, or dancing, or yoga. Our “fight or flight” response might not always be useful - but it’s instinctive, and needs to be addressed.
Taking that action in a controlled environment – whether a therapy session, boxing gym or dancefloor – can help to release the emotional tension caught up in the body. And yes - sex can help, too…
Get creative: Other forms of therapy include art or music – creative outlets which can provide a channel through which to express emotions and feelings, for those finding it difficult to express them in words or movement.
Could be painting, drawing, making…stuff. Anything. And the good news is, it doesn’t even need to be any good.
Take time out to let it heal: For many, “time is the greatest healer”. But in order for that healing to take place, the emotion involved may require some proper attention.
It could come from any of the above. Or, it might come with just sitting with it and feeling it, resting and allowing the body and mind to heal. But ignoring it completely, while it may help for some, doesn’t always make it go away.
Make it part of your life
While any of the above might help to cope with difficult emotions, as they arise, they’ve all been shown to lower stress, anxiety and depression and are generally recommended as an outlet to improve and maintain mental and physical wellbeing.
Some emotions may run deeper and require proper therapy, for which I will always be an advocate, even (sometimes especially) for those who don’t think they need it. You can learn about different types of therapy and search for a therapist here.
But day-to-day, finding a healthy way to allow emotions to flow through the body, can stop them from coming out when we least expect or want them to.