Don’t believe everything you…tell yourself
In the era of fake news, it’s worth noting that we, too, are prone to bending the truth – particularly when it comes to the stories we tell ourselves.
We often don't even realise we’re doing it, because our minds have a mind of their own - wandering into unconscious monologues we barely notice are happening.
Sometimes, they might wander into trivial stories about what we might have for dinner, office gossip, or why it is you never see baby pigeons.
But other times they’ll cut a little deeper – questioning us about whether what we said in that meeting sounded ridiculous; or whether we’re really capable of going for something we want, like a promotion or starting a business.
The stories might go something along the lines of "yes, you did sound ridiculous, because you don’t really know what you’re talking about”. Or “no, you’re not capable, because you’re not good enough”.
The inner monologues can be subtle, but if you listen closely, they're there. And when they do start getting personal, they’re often rooted in beliefs created a long time ago – even in childhood – which we’ve held onto, but which may or may not even be true.
And because we don't notice them, they're constantly chattering away, feeding us these stories which we never even question; but which end up influencing everything we think, say and do.
So the only way we can put them right is to consciously interject - to jump in and fact check our own fake news.
Identifying and reframing beliefs
Generally speaking, fact-checking your own fake news is not an easy task. Bearing in mind that the beliefs are often so ingrained in us, it can be difficult to see past them, let alone completely disbelieve them.
With that in mind, it’s worth asking these questions with someone else – a friend or coach – or even just putting yourself in the shoes of your best friend to answer them, as friends often say nicer things about us than we do of ourselves. Having a pen and paper or a blank word doc will make a big difference - helping to separate the thoughts from your mind, see them objectively for what they really are and refer back to them as you need to.
In order to reframe the beliefs, we first have to identify exactly what they are – and be as specific as possible. What are the actual words going around in your head? What do these general feelings of apprehension, or fear, or anxiety, come down to in the words being spoken?
The aim is to get this down to a sentence – probably along the lines of those written above. I’ll hear a lot of “I’m not good enough to…” or “there’s no way I’ll….” Or “it’s impossible that…”; along these lines.
Write that sentence down. From there, it’s time for some interrogation…
Questioning the beliefs
The following questions are a beginner’s guide to fact-checking the mind. Soz for spoiler, but reading this article alone may not change your life. Doing the exercises regularly will help but for some, it will require much more work than for others.
But these questions are a good starting point for anyone to at least open your mind to the possibilities of believing a new story:
1) Is it 100% true?
It’s fascinating how emphatically and categorically we tell ourselves that something is true, whether or not it actually is. I hear these a lot:
“I’m never going to find someone like him/her again”.
“I’m no way near as qualified to talk about this as they are”
“If this doesn’t work out, there’s no way I’ll deal with it”
Most people have said something to themselves, with a similar tone of self-sabotage, about some area of their life and some point in their life, with the same level of certainty.
We’ll even categorically say it’s true, then back it up with reasons why it’s true. But usually, the only truth is that this truth is actually one of many possible truths – and certainly not the ultimate truth.
At minimum, it’s rarely 100% true. So what if we were to back it up with reasons why it isn’t?
2) Why is it not 100% true? List the reasons.
We can easily give reasons why the beliefs we have are true. But if it’s not 100% true, there must also be opposing reasons.
This is where you might need some help and where I’ll push clients (almost bully, in a nice way) into finding as many as possible. So be objective. There are likely perfectly legitimate reasons as to why these stories are not only untrue, but may even be the complete opposite of the truth.
So what are they?
It could be about yourself; such as, that you’ve been in similar difficult situations before and got through it. Or that, of all people, your experience gives you a different perspective. Or that people often look to you for help or advice in these areas.
Or it could be about the situation; such as, that you wouldn’t even be there if you weren’t qualified. Or that it’s OK not to be perfect. Or that nothing is permanent and you’ll always bounce back, no matter the outcome.
Push yourself to list as many as you can, no matter how trivial.
3) Who would you be if this was the story you told yourself?
These stories, that our wandering minds have been subtly, erpeatedly whispering to us over the course of our lives, are dictating everything about how we think – not just impacting our behaviours, but our habits, characters and how we see the world.
So who would you be if you believed the opposite? How would you describe yourself? How would you live your life?
Perhaps you’d be more confident, free, open, focused...you’d walk with a swagger, you’d smile more, you’d spend more time focusing on what needs to be done than thinking about how it might go wrong.
How would you show up and how would that feel?
This is about starting to incentivise your mind into believing something new. It has to see it to believe it and you have to have something to aim towards. So what would be the outcome of believing these new stories, what would it look like and how would it feel?
4) What is the new story?
Based on the reasons you gave for the story not being 100% true, what’s the new story? If you notice the old story creeping in – what’s a quick response you can give it?
Try to keep it to one sentence, so you can jump in with it whenever you hear the old one.
5) What steps could you take to start being the person who believes the new story?
Can you start living it already? Are there small steps you can take to at least start moving in this direction? Could you even start taking on the characteristics you listed in question (3)? Where’s that swagger you were telling me about?
Repetition
You might read this and say “I know all this stuff Rich but I can’t change it!”
Sometimes, time and experience simply puts things right, so take the pressure off and go with it. But equally, if you’re just hoping and waiting for something to change, it may never come. These beliefs are so ingrained that your mind has been conditioned and needs to be re-trained. Training takes practice and repetition.
So keep all of this written in one place, refer back to it regularly and don’t feel ridiculous in making an effort to repeat it back to yourself. If you have a friend who often tries to convince you that you are good enough, or that you can do it - now you have the reasons listed, switch roles and take some time to convince them. Your brain needs to hear it from you and believe it.
The stories we tell ourselves shape everything about how we see the world and how we approach it. Being aware of what is truth, and what is simply a story – our mind’s own fake news – can change the way we perceive, approach and handle everything.
If you need help in fact-checking your own fake news, contact me to arrange a call and discuss coaching programmes or workshops, for you or your team.